I was nervous to ask this because i don't know if this would fit in here, but I need help from someone, anyone, because it is taking my life out of control
I'm a teenager in my senior year and my finals start this Wednesday, and I have been stressed out of my mind. This year has been the worst year of my life because of the comeback of past trauma, family issues, moving out of my home, lack of self-confidence, and the fear of leaving school and growing up. All this has been making me spiral down into a cycle of stress, fear and self-loathing, and I started stress-eating (more specifically chocolate), while not being able to compensate with exercise. I have this craving for chocolate 24/07, which has led me to start spending my money in candy, and buying more snacks hidden from my mom when I am shopping for groceries.
She is a pastry chef, so I have plenty easy access to candy. My obsession is leading me to stealing portions of chocolate based ingredients every time i have the chance, looking desperately in every corner of the house to find any sweets she may have bought for herself. She has been finding out that I've taken things from her and now she is mad at me (reasonably) and I feel like the most disgusting person in the world. The worst part is that I am fully conscious of my mistakes, I think time and time again about how I should change, but when opportunity strikes its like I lose all control over my conscience and my body moves on its own, and I only realize what I've done after I swallowed the candy, dwelling in regret. My mom works so hard for me and to pay my school, to make us comfortable (at least as much as she can) and all I do to pay her back is steal from her. She doesn't deserve this.
I am also struggling to do anything productive lately. I had 3 whole free days which i was meant to use to study for my finals but every time i sat down to do it I would move to youtube and mindlessly consume content until 6 hours or more passed, and I keep on lying saying that I'm studying to my mom.
The guilt is suffocating me and I am desperate to stop, but I don't know how since no matter how much i think about it, I cant make actions. I wanted to know any way I can remind/force myself to do things right? Anything works, I just want to stop being a disappointment and be the person me and my family need right now. Please help me.... if not possible, please recommend somewhere I can look for help (preferably without paying, I have no money and I can't ask my family rn. I am also not from the US, to make it clearer)
(should i just go to a mental health reddit instead, maybe? idk anymore...)
0 nhận xét:
Đăng nhận xét